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While opposites attract, in the end it is better to be birds of a feather
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AT 22, Wang Jingwen is an expert in love. Her book “Learn to Love Like A Fish In Water” has ranked in the top 10 best-selling books on marriage and relationships on JD.com since it made its debut two weeks ago. What attracts the readers are not only the many love stories Wang has collected from her families and friends, but also the way she analyzes them by using psychological research.
“Many people doubted if I could deliver when I first started,” Wang told Shanghai Daily. “But so far, all the feedbacks I have got are quite positive, even from the mother of my ex-boy friend.”
Born in Canada, Wang lived and studied in many cities around the world. After finishing her high school in Shanghai’s Concordia International School, she enrolled at the Psychology Department of University of California, Los Angeles. After graduation, she worked as an intern at the Zhejiang Television in Hangzhou and later for a while with another project in Japan.
The need to quickly adapt to a new environment led to her interest in studying relationships, and makes her more open to learning and better equipped to adjust to changes than most peers of her age.
According to Wang, everyone can be a psychologist or sociologist as we all derive instructive lessons from our experiences. Many Chinese proverbs and idioms reveal the primitive psychological observation of a person’s reflections on love, faith and attitude of doing things.
For example the proverb “A good horse will never return to graze on grass that it has already passed by” is a metaphor to advice people not to look back once you have headed off.
However, in relationships, why not? “A horse that knows where to return is truly wise,” Wang said. “Because only then does he know what is right for him.”
The idiom such as “opposites attract” is commonly cited when people are ready to start dating.
However, it is always the “Birds of A Feather” that seem to be more important for a happy marriage, Wang points out in her book.
“I wrote this book to make people see how psychological researches are conducted to analyze human behaviors so that people know what to follow when it comes to marriage or relationship development, instead of getting lost among the different opinions and second-hand experiences,” she said.
For real-life examples, Wang said she interviewed men and women from different age groups, even her own grandfather and grandmother who are in their 80s. She found today’s young people, although enjoying more freedom, are more perturbed by the changing criteria for choosing an ideal spouse. In a world that is constantly changing, love is no exception to the trend. However, the principal of love never changes.
Growing up in a family where her father was always busy with work and rarely at home, Wang said she witnessed how her mother transformed from a university professor of automation to an ordinary Mandarin teacher at an international school; how she shouldered the responsibilities of looking after the older parents and in-laws; and how she raised her and her two siblings, mostly alone.
“I used to complain a lot when my mother would ask me to help out with the housework. But the older I get, the more I understand her. Love can be given in a variety of ways. There isn’t an ideal marriage or life, and you have to make choices for yourself,” she said.
Wang, still waiting on her own love story, shares some of her thoughts on love and her future plans.
How do you look at the so-called “leftover women”?
Women tend to be “leftover” because traditional opinion has it that men can always date younger women. Nobody gets to be leftover if you have a better understanding of your own needs, desires, failings or habits.
Do you believe in “love at first sight”?
There is no such a thing, except that you two meet at a party drinking a bit. Alcohol gives us the same heart beat when you meet the Right person. Watching a horror film can also give us similar physiological symptoms such as increased blood pressure or shortness of breath. But that’s not love.
What kind of woman do you want to be?
I believe in family values and, from my mother, I see how important a woman’s role is in the family. She is the glue that keeps us all together. A good woman should be like a cup of tea. It can be strong or light, depending how you like your tea.
What are you doing now? Any plans for the future?
I am giving part of the money from my book sales to Stepping Stones, a non-profit charity organization registered in Hong Kong and Shanghai with a mission to improve the education and eye sight of disadvantaged children in China. I am also working with them to teach English in Shanghai’s migrant schools. My next book will be on raising children which, I think, is the most complex and challenging job in today’s society.
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