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January 6, 2017

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Old classmates can be bores, family members can be ruthless meddlers

By Lu Feiran | January 6, 2017, Friday | Print Edition

SCHOOL reunions are billed as nostalgic get-togethers where old classmates can catch up on lost years and reminisce about the crazy times of their youth.

But the reality isn’t always so jovial.

Louisa Yin, 32, went to a 10-year reunion party with former college classmates. Ahead of the event, she was full of excitement. After an hour there, she was seized by the impulse to leave.

“The reunion started awkwardly,” she says. “At first, we didn’t know what to talk about. Then people started to fawn obsequiously over one another. It was pretty disgusting.”

A decade transforms most people, and not always for the better, Yin adds.

She cites a few examples from the party.

There was a classmate that Yin remembered as quiet and kind in college. At the reunion, she smoked like a chimney, which seemed rude.

There was the student considered a “shining youth” 10 years ago. He turned out to be
a philistine.

And then there was the girl who was a hardworking, geeky sort in college. She spent the evening showing off her baby and complaining nonstop about her mother-in-law.

To say the least, Yin was underwhelmed about seeing her former classmates.

“It’s not that I thought they were bad people,” she says. “I was just surprised how they had changed into total strangers that I didn’t recognize anymore. Then again, I suppose the others thought the same thing about me.”

Her parting shot: “If you want to maintain the happy memories of your old school days, don’t attend class reunions.”

Yao Gong, 37, says his former class from university holds a dinner party almost once every two years, but fewer and fewer people attend.

Men outnumber women at these get-togethers, Yao explains, and the whole event becomes an exercise in male one-upmanship.

“Most men around the age of 40 have reached their career peak, and they like to brag about their social status and wealth,” he says. “This bragging causes discomfort among classmates who earn less or have lower social status, so they stop attending these parties.”

Getting together for a convivial chinwag about the good old days is hardly the main reason for these class reunions, Yao explains.

“It seems that many people come to these get-togethers only when they are seeking favors from some former classmates,” he says. “It may be to get some ‘back door’ opened, such as gaining entry to a better school for their children. The reunions are about everything but friendship.”

In the run-up to the Chinese Lunar New Year, which falls on January 28, social media platforms are full of netizen complaints about all kinds of get-togethers.

The Spring Festival holiday in China is traditionally a time of family reunions, with children, parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles often traveling long distances to be together.

For some young people, the get-togethers can become agonizing. They are often “interrogated” by relatives about their incomes, their love lives and their scholastic achievements. Singles in their 20s are urged to get married — to the “right” person.

Hou Yucha, 35, who works in Shanghai, has skipped the past three Spring Festival family reunions in her hometown in Anhui Province.

The last time she was home, she was bombarded with questions about her personal life and with advice from relatives about how she should be conducting herself.

“It seems that relatives don’t have any boundaries when it comes to nosiness,” she says. “It’s embarrassing to be asked how much I earn a month, what my year-end bonus was and when I plan to have a baby.”

When she made the mistake of suggesting that she and her husband might not want to have children, her relatives were shocked. “Blasphemy!” one said.

Hou says she became indignant and told her relatives that her life was none of their business. She didn’t mince words, and her outburst enraged her parents.

“They told me that relatives are my elders and they ask these questions because they care about me,” Hou says. “My parents said I should be grateful. But I don’t want that kind of care. It makes me feel uncomfortable.”

She says she left Anhui early, before the holiday was over, and hasn’t been back since.

“Now I’m the ‘black sheep’ of the family,” she says. “Maybe it’s the generation gap. Maybe I should seek reconciliation, a compromise, next year.”

Psychologist Elaine Wang with the Shanghai Mind Garden Psychological Counseling says unpleasant reunions with friends or family signal deep-seated anxiety and a prevailing sense of malaise in Chinese society.

When people feel insecure about their futures, they tend to brag about themselves. Just as arrogance can spring from humiliation, boasting can be caused by lack of confidence.

“Anxiety and insecurity are rooted in social factors,” Wang says. “Most Chinese people seek a stable lifestyle, but contemporary times are full of change and uncertainty. These feelings can be passed from one generation to the next. If parents are uneasy, their children are likely to pick up those vibes and feel unsettled themselves.”

Family relationships in China have traditionally been defined by the ancestral roots of tight-knit rural culture and by Confucian philosophy that stresses respect for elders.

“People believe that family can talk about anything,” says Wang. “And if you try to erect barriers and insist on your privacy, family members will be offended and think you are not behaving for the good of the whole family.”

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