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May 30, 2016

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The secret of successful marriage revealed

“To have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.”

When we stand at the altar, life seems to be turning a page — a bright, new shinning page. Exchanging of vows ties the couples for life, making it an occasion to remember. But as the saying goes, it takes two to tango to make a relationship work.

Shanghai Daily speaks with four couples and listens to their stories — from the time they met to the efforts they had to put in to make it a memorable and a successful companionship for life.

Fang Xianglin, 85, Lao Jiesheng, 82. Both retired professors.

Married for 58 years with one son and two daughters.

Q: How did you meet?

A: We met at a student club in the early 1950s. I was a freshman at Shanghai Maritime University and she was a high school student in a nearby missionary school.

She was a pretty and adorable girl, very energetic and cheerful. I started to escort her home and later she told me her father would always quietly “watch” us on the balcony.

I was then invited to her home and her father, a literary critic, liked to talk about the poems of famous poets such as Alexander Pushkin and Leo Tolstoy with me.

Her father liked me, but her mother was not satisfied with my career. I was studying nautical science in the university and her mother thought I would always sail, which was dangerous. But the lucky thing was I took to teaching after my graduation. They finally agreed to allow me to marry their daughter.

Q: What was your wedding like?

A: We dated for seven years and got married in 1958 in Dalian, Liaoning Province, because the university was transferred there and my wife followed me when she graduated from Fudan University in 1957.

To be honest, it was really a shabby wedding at that time when everything was scarce. We had no wedding rings or gowns, no parties, and our parents were far away in Shanghai and Beijing.

I remembered we bought some black Cuban candies without wrappers. You had to eat the sugar with a spoon.

Under a planned economy, things were bought by coupons instead of money. We used grain coupons to make some dumplings and sent them to our fellow teachers.

We only took a black-and-white wedding photo. That was all.

In 2002, my wife insisted on taking wedding photos again, and finally we had our “official wedding album” with white gowns, suits and ties, though the bride and groom were old.

Q: How was your married life?

A: Believe it or not, I was sent to the countryside the very next day after our wedding in response to the central government’s call to support the suburban development for one year. We reunited each time I got the chance to come back. You might not be able to imagine how hard life was at that time. We lived in a school dorm with only a simple bed, a desk, two chairs and a bookshelf.

There were food shortages. We fed on corn leaves and wild grass.

With the birth of our first kid, life was even harder. Grains, oil, meat and coal were all rationed. One person was allowed to have 150 grams of oil, 14.5 kilograms of rice and 500 grams of meat a month.

We spent many cold nights preparing our lessons, so starved that we were forced to eat raw beans because we had no coal for a fire to cook them. My wife had grown up in a wealthy family and lived in a garden villa in downtown Shanghai, but she followed me to northern China and never complained. She worked hard, did housework and took good care of our children. She was a good teacher, wife and mother.

Q: Do you have fights? How do you resolve the differences?

A: Of course we had fights, but those were all small things not even worth mentioning. Maybe because our mindsets are old-fashioned — marriage for people in our generation was a lifetime thing. We were taught to be faithful and loyal to each other for life.

Q: What do you think is the secret to a successful marriage?

A: I have been through the civil war, the great famine, numerous political upheavals and now the opening up and reforms, and we were always together, hand in hand. We share the same values and life principles. Marriage for us is to love, trust, cherish, support and help each other even during the hardest times.

Q: How is your retirement life now?

A: We came back to Shanghai in 2004 and have enjoyed a peaceful life. Our oldest son and daughter are living in the United States now, and the youngest daughter is a senior executive in an international company in Shanghai.

We started to travel together several years ago. But last year my wife showed some early symptoms of Alzheimer’s, and it’s my turn to take good care of her. I take her to the hospital or out for a brisk walk and encourage her to read the newspaper and books everyday.

Q: What’s your advice to today’s young people?

A: With the passage of time, people’s attitude toward marriage has changed, too. That is why I often get puzzled about today’s young people, who can have lightning-fast marriage or divorce. But even if time changes, I still think mutual trust and responsibility are fundamental to a marriage.

Peter Low, 61, founder of an executive search company, and Julie Chu, mid 50s, senior consultant

Married for 31 years with one daughter. They have lived in Shanghai for 30 years.

Q: How did you meet and how long have you been married?

Julie: We got married in September 1985. That was also the year we came to China. I always tease Peter that I’m still on honeymoon because we haven’t gone back to Singapore to stay since.

Peter: We met in Singapore in 1982. I had to service my car one day and my wife was working at the car servicing company then. She waited on me and that’s how we met each other.  

Q: What is the best part about being married?

Julie: I think marriage is about two individuals coming together to live the same life. The best part is that there’s someone that you can share everything together every single day, whether in sickness or in health. You’re not lonely and you always have someone to count on.

Peter: We have a good companionship together. I feel loved by my wife and I can give my love to her as well. We enjoy the love of marriage.

Q: What do you think is the secret to a successful marriage?

Julie: You have to learn to give and take in a relationship. Sometimes we have our differences and arguments, but we step back and figure out how to resolve our differences together. Do not be so self-centered. Learn to put yourself in each other’s shoes. Trust is also immensely important in marriage. Life is a learning journey and even now, we’re still learning about marriage. 

Peter: Basically, be understanding and caring in marriage. We took our vows in church and we let these values guide us.

Q: How has marriage changed you?

Peter: Marriage has changed me into  a family man who takes responsibility for the family. It taught me how to love my wife and my daughter.

Julie: After marriage, I had to think about and accommodate two people rather than just myself. For instance, before marriage, I could plan to do things at my own convenience but since we got married, I have to check with him to plan our schedules without any conflicts.

Q: Can you talk about one unique aspect of your marriage?

Julie: One unique aspect of our marriage is that it’s just between the two of us. Our families are all back home in Singapore so there weren’t any disturbances from either side of the family. We’re very blessed in the sense that we did not have that sort of problems.

Peter: The most unique aspect of our marriage is that although we’re both Singaporeans, our entire married life has practically been in China since the second month of our marriage 30 years ago. We had to rely on each other’s support more than other couples because we were alone in a foreign country. We learned to overcome difficulties on our own because we had no one else to turn to, as we were so far away from home. As a result, our bond became even stronger.

Q: What are the best qualities you like about each other?

Peter: She’s a good wife and a good mother. She always takes care of the family and considers the family before herself.

Julie: In reality, look for someone who is kind, accommodating and understanding. It’s difficult to look for all these qualities in a single package, and I think I’m blessed to have him as that package.

Q: How do you still keep it going after 30 years of marriage?

Julie: After 30 years, marriage has become a sort of habit for me. It is the lifestyle that I’m contented with. We just hope to have more happy and peaceful memories in the future.

Peter: I’m contented that life is stable and routine now, but sometimes you also have to find excitement in the marriage to keep it going. For example, travelling to other countries together.

Geoffrey Lee Hung Yee, 40, sales director, and Jaycelyn Tee Fun Lwi, 35, homemaker

Married eight years with one son. They have lived in Shanghai for 11 years.

Q: How did you meet?

A: We met in Suzhou, and actually knew each other through church back in 2004. We started dating in 2006 and got married in 2008.

Q: What do you think is the secret to a successful marriage?

A: One of the things I feel that truly holds a marriage together is a God-centered marriage. We always utilize the verses from the Bible as guidelines and principles for our marriage. A marriage consists of two different personalities and there are always going to be clashes. The key thing is communication, and one of the most important things that makes a marriage work is forgiveness — you learn to let go of the past. If you bear grudges in your heart, it will make the marriage worse.

Q: What are the challenges of being married?

A: Communication is the main challenge. As I come from Malaysia and my husband comes from Singapore, there are a lot of cultural differences. We have to take time to understand each other. He is also the only child in the family, so expectations are high. It is all about communication. I should speak up and not hide things that he should know.

Q: What is one unique aspect of your marriage?

Jacelyn: I feel that transparency is another unique aspect of our marriage. I feel that trust is really the basis of marriage. This is especially important for our family as my husband travels a lot for work. He is away about 40 percent of the time. If you don’t trust him whenever he is away from home, how do you sustain a marriage? Transparency is extremely important for our marriage.

Q: How has marriage changed you?

Jacelyn: Marriage has changed me a lot. I used to be a career woman and I was doing very well in my job. It was a challenge for me to sacrifice my career and take care of the family. The transition from being a career woman to a housewife was not easy. I struggled a lot and I actually forced myself to change. I forced myself to listen, submit and take my husband’s opinion as my own. It shaped me to be more patient, which was a big change for me.

Geoffrey: I’m more of an easygoing and laid back kind of person. I tend to take things at my own pace and relax a lot. It was not easy stepping up and assuming responsibilities — I have to juggle my career and my family. Sometimes when I come home after a long day at work, I just want to relax, but I realize that I cannot. For example, I used to be able to sleep longer hours but now my wife can kick me out of the bed to take care of our child. But having a child is enjoyable and we love it.

Q: What was your wedding like?

A: It was not easy. We had two weddings — one in Singapore and another in Malaysia. We did most of our planning in China, as we were working here. We had a simple Chinese-styled wedding in Malacca, and a Christian-styled wedding in Singapore at a church. We spent two weeks on the weddings. It was an interesting experience as we got robbed a day before our wedding in Singapore. But our family chipped in with some money, and we were able to complete our wedding. I see it as a once in a lifetime experience.

Q: Best part about being married?

Jacelyn: The best part is that you have a soulmate who will always have your back no matter what happens.

Geoffrey: For me, it is the spiritual partnership — my wife plays an important part in giving me emotional and mental support.

Johnny Kwan, 37, karate coach and Cathy Zhou, 29, advertising planner

Married for one and a half months.

Q: How did you meet and how long have you been married?

A: We first met at my cousin’s wedding ceremony in Hong Kong, but did not talk to each other at that time. After we went back to Shanghai, we met again at a church activity and got to know each other better and finally decided to be together. We got married in March and it has been one and a half months since.

Q: The best part about being married?

Cathy: That two people who love each other can get together in a marriage and share a life together in good times and in bad. I also appreciate having a companion who knows me so well. I’m not alone anymore.

Johnny: Having one more person to share a life with and who makes me want to be perfect.

Q: What do you think is the secret to a successful marriage?

Cathy: Having good communication skills and learning to understand each other.

Johnny: To be patient with my partner and try to understand her thoughts.

Q: Challenges of being married?

Cathy: Leading an independent life away from my parents and starting a life of my own.

Johnny: There are cultural differences between us, as I’m from Hong Kong and she is from Shanghai. We have to solve such problems and figure out the solutions ourselves.

Q: Plans for your future?

A: For now, we just aim to get used to the new life as a married couple and settle down for a while. After a few years, we might decide to have children.

Q: What was your wedding like?

A: We had two weddings — one in Hong Kong and another one is Shanghai. We had very simple wedding ceremonies. In Hong Kong, we held our wedding at a church in the day, followed by a banquet at night. In Shanghai, we only held a banquet and invited friends and relatives together for dinner.

Q: How has marriage changed you?

Cathy: My life is not only about myself anymore, therefore I can’t only think about myself, but I also have to think about my partner as well.

Johnny: I now have to take care of one more person in my life. 




 

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