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Transcending differences to build a lasting cross-cultural marriage

BEING a Canadian who is happily married to a Chinese lady, I am always asked by both my Chinese and foreign colleagues the same question: “Can Chinese and foreigners transcend their traditional and cultural differences to establish happy marriages?”

At the beginning, that question used to put me in a contemplative yet puzzled mood due to the fact that I always believed that people, regardless of their backgrounds, spend most of their lives chasing after the same elusive concept of happiness. Being a private individual, I began to wonder if they were too nosey to ask me about my own marriage or maybe they were curious after seeing many Chinese-foreign couples.

Maybe the flood of foreigners into China and the efforts exerted by the Chinese to welcome foreigners into their homes led to development of personal relationships between Chinese and their foreign counterparts. With time those relationships blossomed into marriages.

My inquisitive mind led me to find a logical answer to the question. To accomplish that objective, I explored the topic from both the Chinese and foreign perspectives by discussing the issue with members of both cultures.

What’s in a relationship?

There is a big difference between Chinese and foreign cultures. On the one hand, Chinese, led by their traditional values and virtues, perceive marriage as a sacred union between two souls. They believe it should last a lifetime. They would feel shame if a marriage ended in divorce. Of course, with the complicated lifestyles of today’s societies, Chinese began to embrace divorce as a part of modern life.

Foreigners, on the other hand, have casual attitudes toward marriage. They acquired a pessimistic attitude toward the possibility of having marriages that last forever. They tend to give up if a marriage becomes too complex to deal with or they are faced with dilemmas or obstacles in their marriages that they can’t overcome.

Foreigners and Chinese have their ways of thinking about important issues in life. In addition the language barrier may contribute to widening the gap of communication between the partners in a Chinese-foreign marriage.

Of course, there are other differences that may lead to the collapse of a marriage between a Chinese and a foreigner, such as daily and spending habits, the management of the household and dealing with children from previous marriages, among others.

During my journey of discovery, I noticed many happy mixed marriages.

Upon asking them about the reasons behind their success, the majority emphasized that both partners must embrace their differences and use them to enhance the quality of their marriage.

Empathy, sympathy and compromise go a long way in a marriage. Forgiveness and compatibility in thoughts and attributes, for certain, will play a crucial role in the process of establishing a happy marriage.

To illustrate my sentiment, I shall venture into elaborating on the secret of the success of my own marriage.

Electronic dictionary

I must acquire the courage to admit that as a mixed couple my wife and I faced a great deal of problems due to the hurdle of communication. She spoke few words of English and I did the same with Chinese.

We had to use an electronic dictionary to communicate. Can you imagine how difficult that was? Electronic dictionaries translate sentences word by word as you can see from the following incidents:

Once she asked “Do you want me cook you for lunch?”

I burst into laughter correcting her by stating that she wished to cook lunch for me. However, that was the translation she got from the electronic dictionary.

Another time, after class, with a smile she said “You must be hungry. I prepared a snake for you.”

My response was “I would like a snack and leave the snake for you to eat.”

After using the electronic dictionary, she smiled and said that she meant a snack not a snake. With empathetic attitude, we were able to transcend that obstacle by being patient enough to learn sufficient language and using body language and gestures to understand each other.

Looking for the humor in situations where each other’s deficiency in the English and Chinese languages was apparent guided us toward overcoming that obstacle and get closer in the process.

Taking the time to familiarize one another with traditions and customs of our native countries led to eliminating any misunderstanding that would create unwanted resentment.

As a Canadian, I am comfortable with displaying affection in public. However, my wife, being a traditional Chinese woman, believed that affection should be displayed in the private of a couple home. To resolve the conflict, we compromised by finding a private spot in public far from the crowd to be affectionate.

We had different eating habits, she loved the Chinese and I was addicted to junk food. We did our best to give each other’s favorite food a try. Gradually, we were able to tolerate the differences in our diets by choosing dishes from both Chinese and Western cuisine that we both like.

She let me eat my junk food and I reciprocated by letting her satisfy her taste buds with Chinese dishes. Sometimes, we had at our table a blend of Chinese and Canadian dishes.

All holidays, Chinese and Western, are celebrated at our home

Now, we celebrate both Chinese and Canadian holidays. We learned that any special event regardless of its origin will bring joy to our household.

Don’t waste money

I used to lead an extravagant lifestyle. I learned from my wife that wasting money on superficial things is unnecessary. Nowadays, we live modestly thanks to the unrelenting efforts of my wife.

I hated public transportation which prompted me to use taxis as my means of movement. That used to infuriate my wife. She believed that taking a cab is a waste of money. We compromised by taking the subway to our desired destination and returning home by a cab.

I liked to change my environment from time to time by checking into a hotel. Without stating the obvious, my wife believed there is no better place than home. We reached a compromise by checking into a hotel on special occasions such as our anniversary. As you can see, with compromise, sincere efforts, tolerance, sense of humor and communication, partners in a Chinese-foreign marriage can transcend their differences to build a happy and lasting marriage.

 

The author is a Canadian teacher in China.




 

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