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Forget stereotypes and try behaving better
DEAR Yong,
What a gentle and wise piece! (“Stereotyping Chinese as spitters is easy,” Shanghai Daily, October 17.)
The underlying issues you discussed are, of course, not limited to just the Chinese people for, in one way or another, all of us get on each other’s nerves once in a while, and ethnic groupings of all kinds can sometimes behave (or seem in the eyes of others to behave) inappropriately.
Whenever any of us find ourselves in such a situation, as in the instances you cite in your fine column, our only choice is how we will behave in turn. We are not responsible for how others behave, but we cannot escape our responsibility for our own words and actions.
It really is so important for each of us to always be open and kind to each other. This simple act of true grace can so transform our encounters with each other, as your own simple, but wonderful, examples illustrate.
My own country is not particularly noted for being polite, although most Americans I have ever encountered have been gracious people.
Part of this is the hurly-burly, seemingly increasingly impersonal nature of our business-mindedness.
But we have lost some particular graces that were both common, and socially reinforced, when I was a boy and young man. I was taught by my parents to always stand when a woman or elder entered the room, or approached me, for instance. Also, it was rude and highly inappropriate to address adults by their first name; they were always to be addressed as “Mr.,” “Mrs.” or “Miss.” Vulgar and obscene talk or jokes were scandalous, as was loud or otherwise rude behavior. You were supposed to open doors for women and elders, stepping aside to allow them to pass before you, and never, ever strike or insult a girl or woman. Together, these were mostly small graces but, collectively, helped to infuse social interactions with respect and cordiality.
I am sorry to say that most of these have faded from daily practice today.
Comedians think nothing of using vulgar or obscene words, of lacing their dialogues with scatological or sexual terms or imagery, online commentary — by people who hide behind assumed names — is often vicious and violent, and language used commonly by younger people would turn my last black hair white (if, that is, I had any dark hair left).
Kindness and courtesy
Ever since my brush with death when a pickup truck smashed into my car 32 years ago, I have tried to practice the kindness and courtesy illustrated in your column. I go out of my way to smile and wave at passers-by (or when I am walking by their homes), still address people by their honorific titles, and open doors for women, elders, and people carrying objects. This costs me nothing, but it always results in a brightening of the other’s face and earns me a smile in return. Small acts of grace whereby we let others know we see, value and honor them.
It seems that the prevalence of branding and judging others is universal. My own people arrived in the United States in the 1850s as immigrants from an Ireland devastated by famine. Within just a few years they had, by working on and following the railroads branching westward, reached the state of Iowa shortly after the first railroad bridge across the Mississippi River was built.
Construction stopped for the years of the Civil War, and my ancestors, like many others involved with the railroads, settled down when the work stopped. Although as native Irish they had never owned their own farm, they were able to buy a small farm (140 acres) just west of Iowa City (Iowa’s first capital).
All of this is history
Their struggles were made harder by the widespread prejudices of the time against the Irish, who were known for not only working hard, but drinking hard, fighting harder, and who had the typical markings of the poor anywhere: often dirty, uneducated, speaking a barely recognizable dialect of English, and following the teachings of the Catholic Church, then deemed by so many Americans as the home of the anti-Christ.
All of this is history now, although I remember as a young man of 17 how widespread were the suspicions of many Americans that John F. Kennedy, as a Catholic, might not be trustworthy because of his alleged “allegiance to Rome.”
Of course, my ancestors were not the only ones unfavorably categorized: others who suffered were, of course, the blacks above all, but also Native Americans, Chinese, and immigrants from southern and eastern Europe.
This kind of behavior results from ignorance and fear, but I also think it reflects a subconscious need to feel “better than” at least some other people. Thus it is really not surprising that, even today, there exists bigotry, envy and tensions between minorities in America.
In 1967, when I was a tender 24 years old, two buddies and I were fortunate enough to be able to spend the entire summer motoring around Europe.
I remember noticing, and wincing, when groups of older (and, even then, mostly overweight) Americans would enter a restaurant where we were seated. How obnoxiously loud and arrogant they seemed to me. I was embarrassed. I fear that few of us show our better side when we are part of a group, no matter to which country we belong.
May more of us, wherever we live or find ourselves, find the courage to behave with the simple grace you demonstrate in your writing. It is the one proven way each of us can spread a little light in the lives of others. Why not?
Thank you, as always, for sharing your thoughts and your spirit with the rest of us. It is an honor to be able to call such a good man my friend!
Greg Cusack
The author has been a college teacher of American history and political science and the director of the US National Catholic Rural Life Conference; he served as a member of the Iowa State House of Representatives, and retired from public service in the Iowa executive branch in 2004.
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