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Troubling tolerance of divorce underscores urgent need to strengthen familial bonds
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Last Wednesday, I got a phone call from my hometown telling me that a relative was in the midst of a divorce.
I was a little surprised by this news — as in most of rural China, divorce is rare in that backwater. As a matter of fact, I had never heard of divorce affecting any of my relatives previously.
In much of urban China though, divorce is no longer a big deal.
A recent issue of the Xinhua-sponsored “China Comment” carried an in-depth report on China’s rising divorce rate.
According to statistics from the Ministry of Civil Affairs, 3.1 million married couples nationwide formally split in 2012. The figure rose to 3.5 million in 2013. To put this figure into context, last year in Shanghai 53,244 couples went their separate ways. This averaged out to 146 divorces per day.
Some are inclined to view divorce as a sign of social progress, as more and more females force their way out of bad marriages in pursuit of more fulfilling, happier lives. There is even allegation that “one gets married to live better, and gets divorced to live better still.”
But according to professor Li Hongxiang from Jilin University, when people no longer see marriage as a life-long commitment, when marriage as an institution becomes effectively weakened and less binding, it flounders easily.
Several factors have been attributed to this steady rise in divorce over recent years. For one thing, getting a divorce became much easier starting in October 2003, when couples seeking divorce could go through all the necessary procedures in just a single visit to the proper administrative authorities.
Perhaps more importantly though, social attitudes toward divorce have become much more tolerant.
In popular television dramas (Western or Chinese), extramarital sex has been romanticized as liberating and exciting. Meanwhile, a morbid media obsession with the unethical escapades of stars and celebrities also imbues illicit love with a romantic halo, suggesting that lust can be more attractive than conjugal bliss.
Another aggravating factor is the rise of social media tools like instant messaging applications WeChat and QQ, which enable married users to surreptitiously meet strangers in their neighborhoods. According to one marriage consultant quoted by China Comment, nearly half of his clients aged 35 or younger had entered into romantic relationships via such tools. It’s little wonder then that such apps have been called “marriage terminators.”
Ironically, these devices also makes it easier to expose unfaithful spouses, as traces of communication become easily retrievable. In an age of deepening distrust, the flimsiest evidence can suffice to sabotage a relationship.
Urbanization and industrialization have also led to an increase in divorces in rural regions which have long been bastions of traditional mores and values. Many young migrants, working away from their rural hometowns, cannot stay faithful during long separations from their spouses.
Children come out the losers
But even experts who point out the potential benefits of divorce would probably agree that children generally come out the losers when their parents divorce.
When children’s perceptions about the cohesion of their family is shattered, they can feel stress, loneliness, or low self-esteem. This may lead to long-term adjustment problems that last into adulthood. Indeed, one survey in a women’s prison in Jilin Province found that among inmates in their 30s, about 80 percent were brought up in divorced families.
Some children might grow up with skeptical attitudes about conjugal love, which in turn may influence their thoughts about love, their choice of partners and the quality of their own married lives.
There are a number of ways to make marriage more impregnable.
One would be to make it expensive.
According to experts, a divorce in China costs between 9 to 300 yuan (US$1.4-36), making China one of the cheapest place to get divorced — at least in terms of time and money.
One expert suggested that divorce procedures be revised so that couples petitioning for divorce have to wait three to six months before their divorce can be granted. This might help some floundering marriages which could be saved through better communication or counselling.
A more fundamental solution would be the inculcation of core values so that marriage partners put a higher premium on fidelity and their responsibilities.
Effective indoctrination, education and a positive social environment may coalesce to make the family unit a solid entity of shared fate and shared values which can navigate the rough emotional seas that every couple faces.
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