FOR most Chinese parents, individuality is never possible for their kids, whether they are 8 or 18. In their view, parents’ life experience is the best guide to the life track of their children.

But counselors at “On Call 33 Days” (12355), a hotline set up to give youth a place to reach out for help, find that many Chinese children are bothered by how much control their parents have over their lives.

“If I didn’t speak out, I think I would be smothered,” says Xie Hua, a 17-year-old student at a Shanghai high school.

“My parents thought that the education system in China is terrible, so they want to send me overseas. But I don’t want to go abroad, but they tried to brainwash me for a whole month. I just don’t understand why I can’t have the right to decide my future and my own life,” he adds.

Xie is among the Chinese teenagers whose “helicopter parents” seem to have taken care of everything since they were born.

The youth hotline has received 6,890 calls since January — an average of over 30 per day. More than 1,900 involved psychological problems, including “growing pains” of youth such as family education, interpersonal communication and emotional distress.

“Believe it or not, I even don’t have the right to choose what I like to eat for dinner,” complains Li Chunru, a 14-year-old student at a local middle school. “My mother always told me what kind of food is the most nutritious. I like to eat meat, but she insisted that fish is healthier for girls. I felt enough.

“I hate to play piano, but she said playing piano is a good way to show how elegant a girl is. She’s like a ‘witch’ who spreads her hands into every corner of my life.”

It’s true that Chinese parents are used to giving “advise” that can’t be turned down by their children. But only a small percentage of Chinese children use the hotline as an emotional release. More adopt other ways to cope, such as compromise or cold silence — refusing to talk to their parents — as a form of rebellion.

Luo Qing, a 20-year-old sophomore, just quit university and now works at a theater.

“I have a very bad relationship with my parents — especially my mother,” he says. “I’m totally against everything she says. Since I was a child, she kept telling me how important study is. I have to admit that I don’t have talent in study, and I’m sick of study. She had chosen the university and major for me, but that purely comes out from her plan. So I quit and she is mad at me. But I feel that I am happier now.”

Gu Kaixian, a psychological consultant with the hotline, says that every year she receives many calls from parents who feel helpless about their rebellious children.

In Gu’s eyes, it is not really that the children changed overnight. Instead, they “exploded” after a long period of suppressed self-awareness. But that is hard to accept for many Chinese parents.

“The reason is simple,” says Fan Jing, a 44-year-old white-collar worker with a 14-year-old son. “There is a traditional Chinese saying, ‘I have eaten more salt than the rice you ate,’ which means ‘I have much more life experience than you do.’ I know this society better than my son does. So why should I see him fall on the ground instead of giving him a hand?”

Her words are echoed by Bruce Zhou, a lawyer who has an 8-year-old son.

“I try to provide everything to him,” he says. “He just needs to follow my direction in which he can build himself stronger and avoid unnecessary failures.”

Zhou sends his son to different training classes after school, including English, swimming, tennis and even Spanish.

“My wife and I plan to emigrate to Australia in a couple of years, and I know better what kind of knowledge he needs to be equipped with,” he says.

When asked if he had considered the interest from his son, he says, “No, because he is too small to have his interest.”

Chinese parents are known for devoting almost everything they have to their children, including money, their energy, their knowledge and their values.

They try to pave the way for a better life for their children so that they won’t encounter any difficulties or frustrations.

“For example, when a toddler learns to walk, I guess 90 percent of Chinese parents will immediately give a hand once the toddler falls down to the ground,” says Irene Hu, a 38-year-old accountant. “But Western parents don’t always keep an eye on their children. One of my foreign friends felt so strange when I offered to help my kid when he fell down, because she thought it was a lesson the child has to learn and remember.”

Most Western teenagers above 18 are quite independent.

In China, some 28-year-olds are still counting on their parents.

“I seriously think that respect is a word that many Chinese parents have to learn,” says Feng Yalan, a local psychological consultant at East China Normal University. “I have seen many psychological problems of Chinese teenagers because some parents are too dominant.

“They have to accept this — what they think is better for their children is not what their children really want,” Feng adds. “Many Chinese parents even get involved in the marriage life of their children, which inevitably can initiate conflicts with the young couple.”

Feng says parents’ ignorance of the self-awareness of their children will result in future psychological problems.

“Talk less and listen more — that’s what I always tell the parents,” Feng says. “Sometimes I ask them to switch roles with their children. Who else in this world doesn’t want freedom? Even if you have good suggestions, try to talk like a friend rather than a boss or a leader.

“There is an old Chinese saying, ‘Children and grandchildren make their own fortunes.’ Life is to be experienced, including joy and pain. Don’t deprive them of their chances to savor the difficulty or failure in life, because that’s an indispensable part for the growing up of an individual.”

Different voices

Hang Lingqing, 30

White-collar worker

“I have a dominant mother who tries to control my whole life, including university, major, job and even marriage. I’m rather exhausted. I don’t like my present life at all. Although my son is only 1 year old, I definitely won’t act like my mother. Freedom is such an important thing in one’s life. I will leave freedom as the best gift for him.”

He Shengshen, 7

Primary school pupil

“My dad and mum are always looking at what I am doing. I can’t play iPad and watch TV as long as I can. They often disturb me. When I’m 12, I think I could be independent.”

John Li, 38

Financial consultant

“I’m grateful to my parents. I wouldn’t have climbed to the top level of the social ladder without their guidance. I’ve really benefitted from the Chinese saying, ‘if you don’t take suggestions from the elderly, then you will suffer losses.’ I am lucky that I take their advice, which seems to be a shortcut.”

Xu Wenwen, 16

High school student

“I don’t talk much at home, as my parents speak a lot. They push me to learn this and that, although I am not interested in what they tell me to. I find the best solution is to be silent and do nothing. They said they were disappointed with me, but I have grown up. At least I am being a silent rebel.”

Wang Renchao, 70

Retired engineer

“I don’t think there is anything wrong with Chinese parents for doing so. Like many animals in the wild, the protection of their cubs is a basic instinct. Why can’t I give my children the direction that I have gained from my life experience?”