For many elderly Chinese, baby-sitting their grandchildren is expected, and it’s traditional that they undertake a full-time, unpaid career as a nanny after retirement.

In the past, many seniors, both grandmothers and grandfathers, relished the prospect and the reality of caring for grandchildren; they felt useful and fulfilled and baby-sitting gave them something to do.

But today, more and more active seniors are balking at taking on childcare.

“Many older people are very concerned about the quality of retirement and they don’t want to be bound to a baby,” says 58-year-old Wan Wenxin, a retired primary school teacher.

She retired three years ago and had planned to travel to Europe, and learn calligraphy and ink-wash painting.

“But all my dreams were bubbles that burst when my granddaughter was born two years ago. Now I am a full-time baby-sitter,” says Wan, who feels frustrated.

According to a recent survey released by National Children’s Center Shanghai Branch, 48.1 grandparents regarded caring grandchildren a “duty” and felt reluctant to do it. It also showed that 23.7 percent of families queried relied on grandparents as baby-sitters in 2002, nearly 55 percent in 2010, and 73.4 percent in 2013. The center, attached to the Shanghai Women’s Federation, covered eight city districts. The number of respondents was not disclosed.

“We also learned that more grandparents are not so willing to tend grandchildren,” says Chen Caiyu, director of the center.

For many elderly, caring for infants, toddlers and children is usually more difficult and challenging than their previous work.

There’s no vacation, but plenty of responsibility and high expectations by modern working parents who want stimulation and education for their children. It’s no walk in the park or just rocking the cradle. Conflicts over child-rearing are not uncommon.

Some working parents drop their toddlers off with grandparents for the work week, and pick them up on weekends.

Wan is far from alone in feeling the pain of sacrifice.

But an increasing number of grandparents are saying “no.” They value their golden years, they have more options and they have plans, whether seeing the world, attending concerts or just relaxing.

They are balking at a time when ever more free baby-sitters are needed by more and more working mothers who must earn a second income.

“Society is different now and people have more expectations about their retired lives. There are wider horizons and far more activities and entertainment,” says psychologist Feng Yalan from East China Normal University.

Working hard and raising families are demanding — there’s little leisure time — “so when they retire, many Chinese want to fulfill their dreams,” she says.

It has been customary for grandparents to nurture the third generation to ease the burden of the second generation.

“Both my daughter and son-in-law often work overtime. They don’t have much time and extra energy to care for my granddaughter,” says retired schoolteacher Wan. “It’s my turn to be a loving mother and grandmother.”

The generation gap often leads to quarrels and conflicts. A typical problem is pampering and spoiling children by indulgent grandparents.

“My mother gives my daughter salty food, which is bad for a 6-month-old child,” complains Joyce Liu, a 30-year-old financial accountant. “In fact, I’m not comfortable with many other things my mother does, but I can’t point out too many problems, otherwise, she will be furious. I wish I could quit work and care for my daughter myself.”

The high cost of living and financial responsibilities make that impossible.

“I have a mortgage, plus expenses for milk, food, diapers and other things — my monthly family expenses are nearly 15,000 yuan (US$2,415),” says Liu. She can’t quit in this competitive market because someone will swiftly take her place and she won’t be able to return.

“And I feel sorry for my mother, since I still need her labor,” she says.

Despite tradition and the need for free baby-sitters, 63-year-old Zhang Chao, a former university professor, turned down her son’s request to take over childcare.

“I already raised him and I can’t afford to spend my later years raising another child,” she says. “I’m not the mother and father — it’s their responsibility.”

Zhang has seen what happens to some of her former professional colleagues who care full-time for grandchildren.

“They are careworn and fully occupied from morning till night. Even going to the cinema or attending a concert becomes a luxury,” she says. “And a small mistake might ruin all you’ve given.”

Childcare used to be quite relaxed, but not today when parents want baby Einsteins. Zhang says one of her overworked friends fell seriously ill.

“Now I am healthy and I expect to enjoy my remaining years. Why should I subject myself to this? I’d rather give my son some financial support to hire an ayi (domestic helper) in exchange for my freedom.”

Zhu Hai, a 63-year-old former teacher, refuses to relinquish her entire day too.

“I told my son I could go to his home and baby-sit for half a day, but he must hire help for the rest of the day,” she says. “I need time for myself, to relax.”

When she was younger, society was very different, options were fewer and convention was still strong. Zhu used to envy younger people. “Now in my golden years, I want to compensate for all that time. I’m not an hardworking ‘old ox’ for my entire life,” she says.

Some grandparents who can afford it hire an ayi to baby-sit, but many people cannot afford to hire a replacement and quite a few nannies are not reliable.

“My mother once suggested hiring a nanny for my daughter, and I immediately refused,” says Christine Wang, a 30-year-old HR assistant at a multinational advertising company. “How could I be at ease entrusting my daughter to someone who is not a blood relation?”

The salaries for both live-in and part-time ayi are going up. Live-in help can cost around 4,500 yuan a month; hourly wages are around 20 yuan.

“Money is an issue but the quality of the whole group is disappointing. I heard one stay-at-home nanny even gave sleeping pills to a newborn to keep him from crying, and another even ate his food,” Wang says. “I ask my mother to help because her love is unselfish.”

Free labor and trust make grandparents indispensable in many families.

“But I always tell parents how important it is for them to care for the child themselves 1 or 2 years after the baby are born. Mothers and fathers can’t be replaced,” says psychologist Feng.

Sooner or later, problems arise, she says, adding that grandparents often spoil children, who can become so attached to grandparents that they prefer them to their mother and father.

It’s also unfair to impose on grandparents who may not have the health and energy to handle an active child.

“No matter how hard it is, a child is best reared by his or her parents because parenting is a full-time job,” the psychologist concludes.