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Why sex can be a problem for the over-60s
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A man who prefers to go by the pseudonym Zhang Jianxin was divorced six years ago because of family financial disputes. Now 63, Zhang is retired, living alone and still feeling his oats.
He thought about finding a new female romantic partner, but his daughters put the kibosh on the idea of anyone replacing their mother. He went to local parks and danced with single women. He bought pornographic films and watched them in secret.
Indeed, sex after 60 remains a subject outside polite conversation, causing no end of psychological distress to many seniors living alone.
“One of my daughters unexpectedly caught me watching a skin-flick at home one day, and I saw her expression of contempt and shame, though she didn’t say anything,” said Zhang, who lives in Minhang District.
Seniors themselves are shy about broaching the subject for fear of being ostracized by family and friends. Seeking pleasure on the sly has its risks.
“There has been a rise in HIV and syphilis cases among seniors,” said Huang Yanping, a doctor specializing in male health problems at Renji Hospital. “The majority of them are in their 60s, and they contract these infections after unprotected sex with masseuses or prostitutes. It’s quite normal for seniors to have sexual needs, and suppressing those desires can lead to psychological problems like depression.”
Part of the problem, he added, is that children can never envision their parents as having sexual lives and thus don’t understand when frustration mounts and behavior or moods change.
The children of one Shanghai senior even threatened to have him committed to an asylum after discovering that he watched porn films at home. The man wrote a letter to a local newspaper about his situation and asked if there was help available for people like him.
That’s the problem. There are no hotlines or agencies with trained professionals for these frustrated seniors to turn to.
The extent of such problems is not documented. Rather, the issue pops up now and again in media reports.
In Yiwu, a city in neighboring Zhejiang Province, a 91-year-old woman was diagnosed with AIDS last year. The news reports said she had had sex with three men 60 years and older.
About 34 percent of single seniors pursue marriage as a way of continuing a sex life, according to a report by China’s biggest dating website jiayuan.com. That number is higher than the 30 percent who said they wanted to find a new partner out of sheer loneliness.
“Sex provides pleasure, companionship and a sense of being for seniors,” said Zhang Jiarui, the website’s marriage expert. “Children need to show more understanding, tolerance and respect for that need.”
At a Shanghai agency providing domestic help, a director surnamed Liu, who declined to give her full name, said many ayis complain about elderly men groping them in homes where they work.
“Many ayis grapple with the dilemma of whether or not to work in the homes where elderly reside,” Liu said. “We try to help them with tips on how they can handle awkward situations without jeopardizing their positions or dignity.”
In cities like Ningbo and Xi’an come reports of middle-aged prostitutes plying their trade in urban parks frequented by the elderly. They often offer cut-rate prices for their services.
Sex-related crimes involving seniors are also being reported.
A 75-year-old man was arrested for raping two children, aged 7 and 9, Qingpu District People’s Procuratorate said last July. The elderly widower was a neighbor of the two victims.
In Langfang, Hebei Province, police were called to a residential neighborhood by a woman in her 60s who said the son of a retiree living alone nearby had offered her 2,000 yuan (US$322) to have sex with his father. She refused.
As China’s aging population burgeons, sociological and psychological problems are fast becoming as prominent as medical problems, said Sun Pengbiao, secretary-general of the Shanghai Gerontological Society.
“However, there is currently no research being done on this,” he said. “In China, it’s a vacuum area.”
Sun said many problems arise when children oppose the remarriage of single parents.
“As a society, we pay attention to whether seniors eat well and sleep well, but their spiritual and more physical needs are ignored,” he said. “We need to raise public awareness about this.”
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